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Dilemma: What do you get someone for their 1000th birthday?

Like we don’t have enough problems already? According to Cambridge gerontologist Aubrey de Grey, the first person to live to age 1000 is already born.

Now at first, your reaction might be that this is a marvelous breakthrough. Imagine, living to be 1000! But, as is always my duty on this blog, I’m here to rain on your parade. I submit that there are far more negatives to this development than positives. Let’s list them shall we?

1. That’s another 225 Presidential election cycles to endure.

Be afraid, be very afraid...
Be afraid, be very afraid…

2. It’s another 3,885,000 texts to have to answer.

texting
Cheat sheet….

3. An additional 1900 two-week long visits from your mother-in-law.

mother in law
Only 1809 to go….

4. You would be cut off in traffic by some asshole another 330,000 times.

cut off
Hey asshole, you drive like you’re about 900 years old…oh, wait…

5. You would be subjected to an additional 115,000,000,000,000,000 internet ads, conservatively speaking.

Yearn to travel? Special rate now for a trip to Andromeda Galaxy. Hurry, only two seats left!
Yearn to travel? Special rate now for a trip to Andromeda Galaxy. Hurry, only two seats left!

6. The Kardashians would also live 1000 years.

Getting together to celebrate mom's 700th birthday.
Getting together to celebrate mom’s 700th!

7. Possibly, Senators could suckle off the government teat for 970 years.

Senator Byrd on the campaign trail during his 133rd reelection bid.
Senator Byrd on the campaign trail during his 133rd reelection bid.

8. You would have to buy at least another 700 new computers, cell phones and other tech gadgets just to stay “current.”

Another "hip" oldster...
Another “hip” oldster…

9. The world’s population would increase exponentially, therefore, so would the number of annoying people playing Pokemon Go.

Yes, we have lives, we just choose not to live them.
We have lives, we just choose not to live them.

10. I could conceivably post another 110,000 top ten lists.

See my point?