>"They did what"? Awards Volume II – 4th Edition

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This is the mug shot of Helen Staudinger

1. The “you’ll never take me alive” award to Helen Staudinger. After being denied a kiss by a neighbor 39 years her junior, this 92-year-old Florida woman allegedly returned to her home, retrieved a .380 semi-automatic handgun, and fired several shots into the man’s residence. The 53-year-old man stated that he has been trying to thwart her advances for months. She has been charged with aggravated assault and firing into an occupied dwelling. Bail was denied after Helen asked the judge what he was doing after the trial.

2. The “this is your brain on drugs “ award to rocker Sammy Hagar of  the group Van Halen.  Hagar claims to have been abducted by aliens. Sammy stated that the aliens tapped into his brain by wireless. Hagar was released when the connection was dropped due to a weak signal. Like millions of other users the aliens immediately canceled their subscription to Comcast.

3. The “finally, a suicide method you can live with” award to the Tufts Medical Center team in Boston. Their recent scientific study revealed that yes, sex can kill. The article said that sudden bursts of moderate to intense physical activity — such as jogging or having sex — significantly increase the risk of having a heart attack. The team, which consisted of 7 men and 7 women reported that although their findings are indisputable, none of them suffered any serious cardiac symptoms while doing their “research”.

4. The “pound for pound, he’s the fastest man alive” award to Kelly Gnieiting. Kelly, a former sumo wrestler who weighs 400 pounds, broke his own record of 12 hours by finishing the LA marathon in just under 10 hours. It’s a Guinness Book record with an asterisk since no other 400 pounder has ever attempted the event. When reached for comment, Kelly mused, “it could have been under 9 hours easily, but the line at the Burger King drive-through was the worst”.

5. The “where’s the beef”? award to Ricardo Jones of San Antonio. Jones, infuriated by the fact that the seven Beefy Crunch Burritos he ordered at Taco Bell would cost not 99 cents each but $1.49 due to a price hike, shot at a store manager with an air gun, brandished an assault rifle, had a shootout with police, and resisted arrest until he was tear-gassed. No one was injured in the melee and Jones was taken into custody and released on bail. As a precaution, police have posted a 24-hour watch on the gas station that Jones frequents.

6. The “I love it when a plan comes together” award to the two robbers in Tulsa, OK. The two men held up 3 different pizza joints inside of two hours last Sunday. However, at the Papa Johns place, the one man came in the front door brandishing his pistol and the manager said, “we don’t have any money, we were just robbed a few minutes ago”. Apparently, the other man had come in the back and stuck them up just prior. This gives more credence than ever to the old adage, “the early bird gets the anchovies”.

7. The “don’t count (or eat) all your eggs” award to Dongyang, China. According to the Qianjiang Evening Post, every early spring, a foul odor fills the air of Dongyang, Zhejiang  Province. Dongyang people call it “the smell of spring.”  It’s actually the smell of urine.  Dongyang people collect urine from school aged boys and boil eggs in it. They sell them at 1.50 yuan (23 cents) apiece. It sells like hot cakes. These delicacies apparently also have curative powers such as ridding one of fevers and serving as a “pick me up” if you’re feeling tired. Thanks, but I think I’ll just take a nap.

8. The “Michael Moore – it’s not your money, it belongs to all us” award to Kensley Hawkins. Hawkins, 60, has saved $11,000 by working while incarcerated in a Joliet prison since the 1980s, making about $75 a month. The State of Illinois now says he owes them that money for the cost of his stay.” On the plus side, after two more years of labor Hawkins will be eligible for a free night at any penitentiary of his choice (weekend nights excluded).

9. The “didn’t they used to go to jail for this”? award to Senator Claire McCaskill (D) of Missouri. McCaskill owes nearly $300,000 in property taxes for a private plane she owns jointly with her husband. She also recently paid back $89,000 for improperly using campaign contributions for the plane expenses during her campaign. Citing her “unawareness” of tax and campaign rules for the “oversights” McCaskill has graciously decided to sell the “damn thing” to be rid of the problem. No charges have been brought at this time. Meanwhile, I. M. Tootrusting of Fair Play, Missouri has finished serving his 18 month sentence for $3500 of back taxes owed to the IRS. It’s good to be the Senator.

 

 

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About Al

Retired from a couple of professions, trying my hand at writing about the events in our lives.
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15 Responses to >"They did what"? Awards Volume II – 4th Edition

  1. Barbara says:

    Lol, Paragraph 1:
    She has been charged with aggravated assault and firing into an occupied swelling.
    🙂 the mind boggles

    • Al says:

      I can see I’m going to have to be on my toes with you.. You and Tilly Bud are tough spell checkers! (See corrected version)

      • Barbara says:

        Swelling was funnier 🙂

        I’m dyslexic but ironically quite good at proof reading as long as its other people’s stuff. I suppose it’s because I read things incorrectly so often (and crack myself up) that I have to go back to try & re-read correctly. That’s how I find the errors, as they turn out to be real as opposed to imagined. I also have the attention span of a gnat, which is why reading blogs suits me I guess.

        • Al says:

          Then I guess you know the rallying cry of dyslexics……”Dyslexics of the world, untie!”

          • Barbara says:

            I do…. What makes this funnier for us (my dad and one of my daughters is also dyslexic) is that we don’t see it at first.. It is the pregnant pause that makes us re- read and realise the joke

            • Al says:

              Then you should have no trouble when you get to my post called “Keyboard dyslexia”. If you want, I’ll find it for you.

              • Barbara says:

                I’m enjoying reading, am at March 2011 now 🙂 If I lose my place its hard to get back, there is no way to bookmark where I’ve got to 😦

                • Al says:

                  OK. You’ve got a year to go until you get to it.

                  • Barbara says:

                    As I recover I will get less reading done, but it’s great having live feedback 🙂 Really makes the page come alive! This is the massive difference between blogs and books/biographies etc… The interactions. 🙂

                    • Al says:

                      I agree. I’ll miss this give and take with you, but the sooner you can get back to your life, the better, By the way, how is the bump on the head your daughter suffered? Hope she is better also.

                      If you ever want to friend on Facebook sometime in the future you can find me under Al Hood. You can find out a little bit about my family. (I never miss a chance to show off my wife and granddaughters).

                    • Barbara says:

                      Charlotte is getting much better, back at school & full of the joys of spring…. There is a party at the weekend that she needs to be well enough to go to, which has jump-started her recovery 🙂

                      I have ME and have been off work since June, so although this operation will have done wonders for me, I won’t be racing back to work straight away as my exhaustion has been crippling for quite some time, and my immune system is shot, which is what is what prevented me from recovering from an innocuous ear infection in March last year that spread to my sinuses & exasperated an underlying condition that all came to a head this December.

                      Very glad to have had the operation though, as at least being able to breathe again should help improve my energy levels 🙂

                    • Barbara says:

                      Charlotte is getting much better, back at school & full of the joys of spring…. There is a party at the weekend that she needs to be well enough to go to, which has jump-started her recovery 🙂

                      I have ME and have been off work since June, so although this operation will have done wonders for me, I won’t be racing back to work straight away as my exhaustion has been crippling for quite some time, and my immune system is shot, which is what is what prevented me from recovering from an innocuous ear infection in March last year that spread to my sinuses & exasperated an underlying condition that all came to a head this December.

                      Very glad to have had the operation though, as at least being able to breathe again should help improve my energy levels 🙂

  2. Bernice says:

    >LOL – I'm calm I'm cool I'm collected I'm reasoned I'm focused I'm…… ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

  3. Big Al says:

    >No question that corruption exists on both sides of the aisle. Sen. McCaskill just happened to be the flavor of the day. Based on the way your comment was reasoned and articulated I'd say that premedication plan is starting to pay off.

  4. Bernice says:

    >Love your blog, and you can write whatever you want, but Republicans do shady stuff too. Sen John Ensign, republican from Nevada announced he would not be seeking a third term because he's being investigated for an alleged lobbying violation, in conjunction with having an affair with the wife of one of his top campaign aides. He admitted to the affair to other lawmakers at a Christian prayer group.

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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