Just in: Scientists discover millions upon millions of new “Black Holes!”

(Blogger’s Note: I posted this blog several months ago, before I joined WordPress. Since I had this harrowing experience again recently I thought a re-post was in order. Most of you haven’t read it, but for those who did, you may note it has been revised quite a bit. Still rings true though.)

In a startling announcement, the scientific community has revealed that there are possibly billions more black holes than ever before imagined. For those of you who still aren’t sure what a black hole is; consider these definitions from Encarta dictionary:

1. object in space: an area in space with such a strong gravitational pull that no matter or energy can escape from it. Black holes are believed to form when stars collapse in on themselves.

2. place where things get lost: a place or thing into which objects disappear and are not expected to be seen again.

It is this latter definition that scientists lean on when referring to their recent discovery. When asked by reporters if they had given a name to this newly disclosed phenomenon the committee replied: “Yes, we call it purses.” Somewhat confused, reporters queried the scientists further to explain this rarely used technical term. The spokesman, looking rather incredulous, elaborated saying, “pocketbooks, handbags, shoulder bags… call them what you want!”

Some recently discovered black holes from a galaxy not so far, far away.

That’s right, verifying what most men have long suspected, common purses are now officially a part of the scientific lexicon of  the unexplainable. It comes as no surprise to most husbands that even the most erudite among us cannot completely grasp the chaos that is these seemingly indispensable devices. For the most part, we have been very content to not know. The mystery surrounding the contents of purses, while occasionally piquing our curiosity, is at the same time threatening and best left unexplored.

Are you sure this is safe, dear?

Who among us hasn’t frozen at the command “check my purse, I’m sure it’s in there.” Aside from the frustration of trying to find something amid the carnage, we all imagine being skewered by some grooming device with sharp points.

"Tha..a..a..that's al..al..alright dear. I'll w..a..a..wait til you...you.. you are out of the sh..sh..shower for the ch..ch..checkbook.

And what if there is a varmint living in the bottom of the bag? With the daily accumulation of so many articles, who knows what lurks in the abyss?

Honey, something just crawled out of your purse. Should I feed it?

But why now, after centuries of the scientific community ignoring this rather mundane item, has it become such a wonderment? Simple. The cellphone. It’s only since the advent of the cellphone that the comparison to a black hole has taken on such significance. A cellphone call  moves her to a higher state of consciousness and life is suspended as the melodious ring beckons.

"You are now under my spell and will be obedient to my ringtone."

Here’s the scenario: the cellphone rings; she hears it; she knows it is in the purse. Will she find it in time? (Hint: that was a rhetorical question.) I would rate the odds at 1000 to 1 that it will be a missed call. Not only will the phone not be answered in time, but it probably won’t be found at all. The inevitable search is on. It’s such a pathetic sight because almost every new purse now has a specially designed pocket just for the cellphone. But somehow it just doesn’t seem to want to live in there.

Looking for me? (Snideley Whiplash's alter ego)

While this discovery has not changed this ritual of pocketbook combat and it will invariably continue down through the ages, it gives some comfort to know that science has at least given it credence. That gives me validation for the next time I am asked to search my wife’s purse, or as I like to refer to it, the “Event Horizon.”

A picture of my wife's purse, taken just moments ago.

By the way, has anyone seen my wallet?

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About Al

Retired from a couple of professions, trying my hand at writing about the events in our lives.
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26 Responses to Just in: Scientists discover millions upon millions of new “Black Holes!”

  1. Pingback: My wife hangs out with a bunch of turkeys! | thecvillean

  2. Jodi Stone says:

    I believe my closet qualifies as a black hole. Or maybe it’s the house, somehow I can never put my finger on what I need.

    Oh and the purse, no matter how many times I clean it out; it still maintains its secrets.

    Thanks for the chuckle.

  3. Caroline says:

    It’s a known fact at work that I have yet to answer my cell phone! Even when I find it in time I’m incapable to releasing the touch screen quickly enough – despite vigourous stroking of the screen (in a clean way you understand) it fails to leap into action. So the entire device is a black hole to me!

  4. I too have been requested to explore that black hole full of mysteries when her ladyship’s mobile rings. Normally misdirected as to it’s whereabouts by the bags owner the call has ended before my searching hand can find what might be the phone or just some vanity case.

  5. I laughed when I read the part about the cell phone in the purse. Guilty as charged. That is, IF the cell phone is charged. Loved the last line, too. You men need our big purses but you taunt us for having them. I bet you’re happy when you ask your wife, “Do you have a hacksaw on you?” and she’s able to whip one out of her purse–a small one she carries “just in case.” 😉

    I carry an oddly heavy Swiss Army pocket knife even though I’m not Swiss, never expect to be in armed combat (just like the Swiss), and can’t pull any one of the thing-a-ma-jigs out without breaking a nail. I suppose I could fling it at a would-be assailant…if I had any kind of a descent aim.

    • Big Al says:

      Good guess but she stopped carrying the hacksaw when the TSA clamped down.

      You’re a hoot. I can see you saying to the would-be assailant, “stop!… I have this knife..er…wait..that’s a bottle opener….oh where’s that knife…..there it is…..nope, those are scissors….uh…finally, oh damn…stop!.. or I’ll trim your nails!

      • Barbara says:

        I remember once a friend was looking for a doorstop, and I produced one from my bag (purses over here are ladies wallets, they go in the black holes known as handbags) I have now the reputation of Always having exactly what is needed. I think it goes back to the time when we had small babies, we had to consider every eventuality or have a screaming child on our hands.

        I never put my mobile in my bag, unless I want to avoid a call!!

        • Al says:

          That’s genius, Barbara. Instead of blocking callers just say, “couldn’t take your call because it was in my handbag.”

          By the way, you don’t happen to have a 3/8 inch socket wrench handy do you?

  6. My interview of Lorna has led me to some fun, fun sites. So glad to meet you. I purposely carry a very small purse but still….

    • Big Al says:

      Thank you for visiting and nice to meet you also. You may be sorry since I will now want to visit your site and I’m sure Lorna warned you that I’m often given to frivolity when commenting.

      As for the small purse…good idea, but then who would carry my glasses?

  7. In my experience, men expect women to carry purses so that they can ask them to carry something for them. My husband will take my purse and throw it over his shoulder if I ask him to hold it for me. Should I worry? Even if he walks with a cane?

  8. pegoleg says:

    I resemble that remark! Women have become human beasts of burden so their husbands can thrust every bit of miscellany (besides their wallets and keys) they need for a journey at their long-suffering wives and say “Put that in your purse for me, will ya?”

    • Big Al says:

      OK. I admit it, I do ask my wife to carry around an extra pair of my reading glasses in her purse. Unfortunately, by the time she finds them, my prescription has usually changed.

  9. RaRee says:

    I’ve seen your wife’s purse. I think you have accurately described it (except maybe the creature from the black lagoon), Why haven’t scientists put those little light thingys in the purse? So when you open it, well duh, we could see what was in it.

    • Big Al says:

      Yes, that must be a very special purse because even light is not supposed to be able to escape from a Black Hole. A patent like that could be worth millions and would surely get a quasar named after you.

  10. Tilly Bud says:

    I take strong exception to this post and I’m going to set my husband on you. Soon. I sent him to get something from my bag three weeks ago and he hasn’t returned yet.

    Good one 🙂

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