Anatomy of a shopping trip….or….3 hours of medieval torture.

1:05 pm:  Wife and husband finish delicious lunch. Wife says to husband, “Our windows need treatment.”

1:06:  Husband responds, “There’s psychologists for windows?”

1:07:  Wife explains what window treatments are.

1:21:  Wife finishes measuring 3 windows and says, “so, shall we go shopping for blinds?”

1:21:  Husband, in a moment of weakness that defies all reason and is surely the result of a temporary minor stroke, says yes.

1:30:  Pair foolishly sets out on quest the day before Super Bowl. Traffic is one or two cars away from complete gridlock as revelers are out searching for beer, snacks and 99″, 3-D, flat screen TVs for the coming event.

2:00:  One-half hour and 5 miles later husband says, “Here’s Lowes, they’ve got the best selection.” (Husband chortles silently to himself about how clever he is because Home Depot, their original destination, is 1 mile and 4 traffic lights farther.)

2:05:  Pair enter section of Lowes called Window Treatments. Who knew?

2:06:  Very nice salesperson approaches and says, “May I help you?”

2:06:15  Husband responds, “We need blinds for these three windows, here are the measurements, how soon can you put these in?”

2:06:30:  Wife says, “Have a seat dear, I’ll handle this.”

2:07:  Husband sits down, fully expects wife to be done in 10-15 minutes.

2:22:  First 15 minutes are taken up by questions alone.  Ex: Horizontal or vertical? Slats or honeycomb cells? If slats, straight or “S” curve? If honeycomb, how many cells? Lift or pull? From the top or bottom? Clear, light filtering or darkening? Cord or cordless? What type of wand? etc. etc. etc.

2:23:  Husband senses another stroke coming on.

2:23 – 3:10: Discussion of aforementioned questions and perusal of seventeen, 20″ thick sample books, each weighing no less than 4 metric tons.

3:11: Sales person finally asks, “What color?”  Husband thinks to himself, “at last, an easy question.”

3:11:  Wife responds, “white.”

3:11:  Salesperson asks, “Ivory, eggshell, vanilla, seashell, magnolia, pearl, white wine or Isabelline?”

3:12:  Husband takes out pocket knife and makes slitting gesture across wrist.

3:12:  Wife wisely suggests husband do some “manly” shopping while waiting.

3:13:  Husband agrees, delights at idea of looking for door stops.

3:16:  Husband returns with door stops.

3:16:  Wife tells revived husband, “we’re almost done.”

3:17:  Salesperson gets off phone from placing order and says, “sorry, the one you picked has just been discontinued.”

3:17:  Husband reaches for pocketknife.

3:17:  Wife quickly says to husband, “why don’t you go over there and pick out a nice area rug for your office?”

3:17:  Husband, seeing cute blond in mini-skirt in carpet area, agrees.

3:19:  Burly boyfriend of blond arrives.

3:19:  Husband loses interest in carpet shopping.

3:20:  Husband returns, finally gets bright idea of writing blog about window treatments and sits down to write notes.

4:00:  Wife and husband finally place order, leave.

4:02:  Husband proceeds immediately to liquor store on way home.

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About Al

Retired from a couple of professions, trying my hand at writing about the events in our lives.
This entry was posted in Family, Humorous and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

33 Responses to Anatomy of a shopping trip….or….3 hours of medieval torture.

  1. Barbara says:

    I’m still not sure what Window treatments are!! I was sure it had something to do with vinegar and newspaper! We have never earned enough to buy new curtains or blinds anyway! Everything in our house is second hand. Much shorter selection process… Yes or no… The only problem has been getting Peter to hang them!

  2. Susan Okaty says:

    Men are so clueless about things like this. You are a good hubby for going with the flow.

  3. Laura says:

    I’m pretty sure the reason they force you to make so many decisions when you’re shopping for blinds is to wear you down to the point that, when they tell you the price, you’ll agree to anything just to get out of the store.

  4. jakesprinter says:

    Great entry my friend

  5. pegoleg says:

    I can’t believe you went from delicious lunch, through measurements and out the door in 16 minutes. Your wife is my new hero!

  6. Barb says:

    OOOOOhhh so that’s what’s going on in my spouse’s mind. This must be the reason he grabs the shopping cart when we enter a grocery store. It gives him something to drive and hope it hurries the process along. HaaHaaaa. Silly guy. Thanks for the insight into the male mind!!!

    • Big Al says:

      There will be no charge for this introductory session. However, all further sojourns into the abyss that is the male mind will require an hourly rate. Thank you for stopping by.

  7. Jodi Stone says:

    It’s almost worth it to pay an interior designer to handle all of that. I admit it, most of the time I hate shopping.

    I did enjoy this post. 🙂

  8. Tilly Bud says:

    Not whine store?

    In this scenario, I am the husband. I hate shopping. The Hub cannot buy anything without sourcing teh best price, best item, best item for the money, best value, best for us (they are all different, apparently).

    Loved this 🙂

    • Big Al says:

      Good point Tilly. From the whine store to the wine store. I like that.

      As for shopping. I’m the worst. If I like it, I buy it. No comparison shopping for this kid. Don’t have the patience of the Hub.

  9. winsomebella says:

    You deserve the finest red 🙂

  10. Precious! And it’s clear you took copious notes. I’m impressed with the list of different “white” options you listed. Be careful, you may be enlisted to help wife’s friends with interior decorating if you start rattling off phrases like “honeycomb versus slats” or “cord or cordless.”

    I smiled the whole way through your shopping adventure. Thanks! 🙂

  11. I read this to David. He laughed all the way through, and says it is so true.

    He just helped me buy a new cell phone after I dropped my old phone in the toilet. I went into the store with the idea of simply replacing it, but it was not to be. they had 3 models in the display case. Super-duper, super-super duper and delux. The difference was in the various Apps, whatever those are. As I had not decided to begin blogging from my cell phone or watching movies, I went for the least expensive and most simple model.

    I am still trying to figure out how to answer phone calls. Dianne

  12. Cindy B says:

    You have the patience of JOB.

  13. RaRee says:

    to be continued…..

  14. Bernice says:

    Very very funny. Vintage Big Al. Laughed all the way through.

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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