“They did what?” Awards – Volume III – 2nd Edition

1. The “what ever happened to old-fashioned hide and seek?” award to the Chicago man who robbed a South Side Radio Shack. Raymond Jefferson, threatened the victims with a handgun, tied them up and took their cell phones before swiping handfuls of electronics from the shelf and beating a hasty retreat. Unfortunately, it appears everyone doesn’t love Raymond as the cops descended on him shortly after the heist. It seems one of the items on the shelf was a precision Global Positioning device. Police were able to track him down within minutes after arriving at the crime scene. Fortunately for the rest of us, we will not need a GPS to find Raymond as he can be easily reached at Joliet prison for the foreseeable future.

From the Shack to the "Big House"

2. The “my gun may not be shooting blanks but my brain is” award to Paul Doering of Hill City, South Dakota. Doering, an Old West re-enactor with a local attraction, was tried and sentenced to 7 1/2 years for inadvertently using  live ammunition during a “shootout” re-enactment at the show. His stray bullets injured three spectators in the crowd. If the sentence seems harsh to you, you should know that Doering is a 6-time convicted felon and tried to cover up his mistake. When details of his life emerged later, it was revealed that his favorite movie of all time was “Westworld”.

"That lady with the cane looks pretty slow on the draw, watch this."

3. The “screw ’em if they can’t take a joke” award to UCLA for mistakenly sending acceptance letters to 894 applicants who were actually supposed to be placed on the waiting list. In their letter of apology to the kids and parents, the University admitted this mistake exacerbated a particularly anxious time for the students and their families. A university representative who asked not to be identified, told interviewers that when the wait list acceptances are announced, these students will get top priority, provided there are no mistakes on their applications. The administration denied that they have changed their mission statement to “Don’t do as we do, do as we say”.

Closed for repairs!

4. The “smoke this!” award to the woman who stripped completely naked in the Denver International airport right after officials had admonished her for smoking in a non-smoking area. She immediately took off all her clothing, initially unnoticed by the passengers scrambling to get to their flights. After a few minutes, authorities noticed and corralled her and took her to a hospital for a mental evaluation. Shortly after the incident, airport maintenance crews were seen taking down the old signs and replacing them with new ones reading “No nude smoking!”

"Excuse me, do you have a light?"

5. The “ individual who best exemplifies La Leche League values” award to Rebecca Silva of Brookings, South Dakota (what’s in the water in South Dakota, anyway?). Silva, apparently in a state of intoxication, broke into a stranger’s home in Brookings at 5:00 am and tried to breast feed a 2-month old child, an onerous task considering she was not lactating. The mother, awakened by the family dog, called 911 and successfully got the baby away from the woman. Rebecca then proceeded to crawl into one of the beds in the home until police arrived. Rebecca was charged with unlawful occupancy. She was also charged with child abuse for missing the 2:00 o’clock feeding.

"Hurry, I think I hear your mom coming!"

6. The “advancement in Orwellian science” award to Harvard University, for including in its curriculum a new course called “Understanding Obama”. Professor Charles Ogletree will teach the course which is explained in the syllabus thusly: “This reading group will focus on the way in which race, religion, and politics have impacted the development of President Obama as a leader.” Ogletree was a mentor for Obama during his student days at Harvard and as such, he is considered the foremost expert and the only one in the world who understands him. Depending on the success of the course, another course is planned titled; “Understanding the 2700 pages of Obamacare”. It will be offered only at the Doctorate level and is expected to have a high dropout rate.

So far, this is the only student enrolled in the class.

7. The “no matter where you go, there you are” award to the developers at Broadcom Company who has just rolled out a microchip for cell phones that can pinpoint your location down to a few centimeters, vertically and horizontally, indoors and out. In theory, the new chip can even determine what floor of a building you’re on. While we’ve all been worrying that the government might try to force us to implant a chip in our head to keep track of us, we have given them de facto permission by buying communication devices that accomplish the same thing. Marketing executives from Broadcom have indicated that their advertising spokesman for the new chip will be Raymond Jefferson, just as soon as he receives his parole from Joliet.

"Yep, that's Big Al alright!"

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About Al

Retired from a couple of professions, trying my hand at writing about the events in our lives.
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16 Responses to “They did what?” Awards – Volume III – 2nd Edition

  1. The expression ‘some mothers do have’em’ comes to mind but I don’t think it quites does justice. You genuinely have to worry about some folk! As to your comment about ‘the only one in the world’ who understands Mr Obama, might Mrs Obama like to claim that instead?! And that new microchip for mobiles sounds like a great advancement, my husband’s phone has some map device on it and it will let you know where you are within TWO MILES, ie yes you are in town but nothing further, very helpful! Thanks for rounding these up and giving us a laugh, although those poor students! 🙂

    • Al says:

      Thanks for the comment eye. I could easily post one of these every day but I deign to give them anymore exposure than they already get

  2. This is great stuff. I loved the one about the GLobal Positioning device. That was hilarious.

  3. Jodi Stone says:

    Where do you find these? It never ceases to amaze me how stupid some people really are.

  4. Top notch, Post, Al! Had me snorting and chortling the whole way through. I love it when people do bizarre things and you call them on it with your perfect award names. And, oh the pictures and captions–icing on the cake, my friend!

  5. Only this morning I was reading Lord Byron’s comment that the truth is stranger than fiction. I think you proved it. Dianne

  6. pegoleg says:

    My daughter got a letter her senior year in high school that she MAY be a National Merit Scholarship semi-finalist. We were on pins and needles waiting to find out, because there is serious scholarship money involved there. Then we got a letter apologizing for the first letter, because that one wasn’t supposed to go out. She was NOT a semi-finalist, she was a commended student. So instead of being thrilled by the honor of being a commended student, which is still a big deal, we were disappointed that she wasn’t a semi-finalist. It’s all perspective, right?

    Thank goodness so many criminals are dumb. Hysterical as always, Al.

    • Al says:

      Sorry that one article hit home for you, Peg. That one seemed to be the one most of my readers identified with. (Did I just end a sentence with a preposition?) Yes, as long as there are dumb criminals my “They did what?” series shall live on.

  7. Coming East says:

    Yes, I feel sorry for those students, too. These were so funny, Al, especially your editorial comments!

  8. Tilly Bud says:

    Brilliant, Al! But I feel so sorry for the UCLA almost-students. How awful.

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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