“You had me at woof” ……….or a puppy’s fantasy.

I know you mean well, but you’re going about this all wrong. Let’s look at his from my viewpoint, eh? We’ll call it Puppydom 101. Throw away the Puppies for Dummies book and all those pamphlets you got from the vet that are taking up space on the kitchen counter and let’s get down to the nitty-gritty shall we? All you really need is some advice right from the hors…er…uh…puppy’s mouth.

First of all, let’s get one thing straight. Puppies, i.e. me, are the sweetest thing that ever came down the pike. Hands down, no contest, end of discussion. There is nothing cuter than a little puppy. Nada, squat, zilch, zip point zero. And since I am your puppy, I am the cutest of all the cute puppies, ever! Don’t blame me, God wanted it that way. In his wisdom, he knew that I would be helpless, yet apt to be the cause of boundless trouble, consternation and expense. In fact, pound for pound, I have more wrecking power than the proverbial bull in the china shop. Oh, and did I mention how cute I am?

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OK, now that we’ve established my position at the top of the scale of cuteness, there are a few things that you will need to know in order to keep me safe and happy and so cute. Pay close attention, mastery of these items is prerequisite if you want to move on to Puppydom 201 (Advanced Spoiling).

1. Mealtime. Mealtime is a misnomer. It should be called meandertime. I will be taking my sweet time pecking at my food while I wander off to examine my surroundings and investigate more interesting venues, like cupboards. I’ll be rambling back to the feeding station as I see fit, so please don’t take up the food until I have finished. And don’t listen to all that claptrap about “puppies need special puppy food.” The good stuff will go down just fine.

2. Playtime. This is basically any time when I’m not napping, eating, or busy soiling the Persian rug. Here are a few definitions that might come in handy: What you call nibbling at your person parts, I call playing. What you call chewing the furniture, I call playing. What you call dragging your underwear around the house, I call playing. What you call getting into any kind of trouble at all, I call playing. You get the idea.

3. Toys. I know you think the two dozen toys you bought for me are enough. You couldn’t be more wrong. If you think Attention Deficit is strictly a human condition, guess again. My staying power with these toys is pretty short. How short? If you brought it home yesterday, I’m already over it. The good news is, PetSmart has a points card that you can use for great discounts. To be honest, I’d prefer you bought more shoes anyway.

4. Sleeping arrangements. Those who are definitely not in the know will suggest a crate. This is a big mistake made by most owners. Crating results in prolonged, hi-pitched whining and crying that can bring animal abuse charges from sleepless neighbors. I know you don’t want that. What you want is cuddling in bed. Imagine my warm furry self at your feet on those cold winter nights. Or snuggled up at your neck making those cute little love noises that cute puppies make. A little slice of heaven, yes? Enough said.

5. Housebreaking. Are you aware that one of the biggest advantages to being an animal is not having to wait in line to use the bathroom? Having said that, most people will tell you that the average time to house train a puppy is about two months. The key word here is average. You know how averages are arrived at don’t you? You take the shortest amount of time(s) and the longest amount of time(s), then divide by two. Well, somebody’s puppy has to be the longest, right? I encourage you to learn to embrace the upper side of the bracket. Besides, those wake up in the middle of the night to go outdoors sessions are good training for when you reach those “golden” years. And while we’re on the subject, what’s with all this “hurry up and go” stuff? Sniffing and stalling are the only two dog traits that are fully developed at birth. Try to be happy for me.

6. Not all puppies are fortunate enough to have another dog as a built-in playmate in their new home. It is to your credit that you provided one for me. However, I think you may have some misconceptions about our relationship. Age is not a factor. Size is not a factor. Seniority in the household is not a factor. I am Alpha, hear me squeak. The other dog is now just that, the other dog. She is to be used solely for me to practice my tug-of-war, stalking, attacking and biting techniques. She will be fed after me, walked after me, petted after me and generally attended to only after all of my needs have been met. Your attention in making sure she adheres to these rules is paramount, as she could easily take me out in one bite.

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Well, that’s about it for now. If I’ve left anything out we’ll cross that bridge when we come t…….. excuse me, what is that show you’re watching on TV now? Cesar Millan, Dog Whisperer? Why are all those dogs milling around and acting so nice? What does discipline mean? Is that a crate? Wait, have I told you lately how cute I am? Can’t we talk about th……….

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About Al

Retired from a couple of professions, trying my hand at writing about the events in our lives.
This entry was posted in Family, Humorous and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

33 Responses to “You had me at woof” ……….or a puppy’s fantasy.

  1. I asked the staffer at the shelter how the dog whisperer would handle johnny’s dislike of other dogs (except our Clare whom he loves). I should have come to you for advice. I’m now looking for a new puppy. Unfortunately,my breeder no longer raises dogs,so no more poms from her. Know any corgi breeders?

  2. Puppies are a handful huh? Didn’t think we could handle it, so we adopted an adult dog. Sorry we missed the cuteness of puppyhood though… :/

  3. Pingback: Michelle’s Weekly Pet Challenge Round up for week 1. | Hope* the happy hugger

  4. Aw, he is quite gorgeous. Love the pic with him on the Labrador!

  5. pattisj says:

    It looks like you’re pretty well trained, Al. It’s a good thing baby animals are so darn cute.

  6. pegoleg says:

    How nice that the head of the household could take time out of her busy schedule to hand down these pronouncements, er, helpful hints for the poor, dumb humans in her life. I think our dog, Sally, may have collaborated on this.

  7. As the mother of many many dogs, most now gone over the rainbow bridge, I can tell you that my four-year old Johnny is the most perfect dog. He has never whined at night and slept in a crate since I brought him home. He loves his crate which is in my bedroom, next to my bed. This is the key of course…next to my bed. At bedtime he is beside himself with glee over the prospect of our going to our beds…in my bedroom. There he remains blissfully, until I wake him in the morning. When he was younger i got up earlier to get him outside for his morning constitution.

    I have taught him to never bark at me when I am eating, and do not bark at other dogs or strangers, and although he has the odd slip, he is mostly well behaved when we take our walks.

    presently we are working on butt sniffing, a hobby he has recently acquired.

    Watch the “Dog Whisperer if you truely want to be a dog’s best friend. Wonderful.

    Dianne

    • Al says:

      Queenie is one of those perfect dogs, too. Guess I couldn’t stand prosperity. Seriously, Bella is coming along fine. The love and laughs she provides for us far, far outweighs the work of training her. I’ve always been a pushover for the pups but Patty sets them (and me) straight.

      On another note. We’re going to be up in D.C. on the 20th & 21st of April for a Epilepsy Foundation walk. Would love to find a way to meet you and David if you’re around at that time.

  8. That’s one advantage of rescuing dogs! But I do wish we’d had them at this age, despite the mess. Absolutely adorable.

    Loved this Al; one of your best.

  9. Going well then?! 😉

  10. This sounds almost like a puppies Bill of Rights. They seem more than happy with the arrangements at yours. Still, its always nice to have things in writing

  11. Cindy says:

    Really enjoyed this one Al. Now I’m wondering if they BOTH sleep in your bed….hmm….crowded. Hope you have a king.

    • Al says:

      Yes, Cindy, we do have a king but Patty draws the line at letting Queenie up. We tried it, but Q is a perpendicular sleeper versus a parallel sleeper. Takes up all the space. Whenever we go out though, if we forget to close the bedroom door, she’s greets us at the door but there’s always a big warm spot on our bed. Funny.

  12. Jodi says:

    Ha ha, been here, done this. Sampson was housebroke in close to two months. And he did sleep in his crate in the kitchen for the first year he was with us. Of course that really only equated to about 4 hours as I would sleep on the couch in order to keep him out of the crate and then Hubby would bring him to me when he got up.

    BTW, if you are really having problems, shoot me an e-mail, I’ll help out if i can. 🙂

    • Al says:

      Loved the couch scenario. It’s amazing how often we find reasons to “bend the rules”, but we are making good progress and just love having the two of them together.

  13. Coming East says:

    Loved this! If things get too much for Queenie, I know a good home she could go to…

  14. Scrappy here, commenting instead of my person (you know her as Lorna).

    First of all, I admire your command of the English language for such a cute and young female. Usually you can get by on those attributes alone, Sweet Thang. [wagging tale and panting, slobbering on keyboard and, I’m telling ya, Terriers don’t slobber].

    Second of all, chew through the cable wire ASAP. That Dog Whisperer is going to whisper you right out of your cushy life. And you got it good, Babe. Just keep working the looks thang.

    Third of all, you gotta give some respect to Queenie. I know she isn’t fluffy and doesn’t have that puppy-cuteness factor going for her, but think of her as your body guard or assistant. You’re only as good (or as alive) as your assistant or body guard. You gotta respect her so she’ll take good care of you. Plus, one good body blow from her and Al’s next post is a retrospective on what a great puppy you were and how nice his NEW Persian rug is. Got it? I’m an older dog and I gotta stick up for my old pal, Queenie, even though I’m feeling the love for you, Sweet Thang!

    Okay, my paws are raw from typing. But you need any more advice from an old guy who knows the ropes, you call on me, Baby Doll! :p

    • Al says:

      Dear Scrappy, thank you for the advice. I can tell from your name you’re a stud who has been around the block a few times. Thanks for the cable chewing suggestion but I’ve already got that covered. I ate the remote. (Those things can cause quite a case of indigestion can’t they?)

      You’re right about Queenie. Just this morning the dog across the way barked at me and Q was on it like a fly on dogsh…. well, you get the idea. Definitely have to rethink that relationship.

      From your tone (Sweet Thang, Baby Doll), I detect there might be some interest above wanting to give me advice. Since you can type, I assume you can also send attachments, like for instance, your picture and email address.

      Got to run now…..my owners are having cuteness withdrawal. That can get pretty ugly.

      See ya!

  15. RaRee says:

    too funny! But she is totally the cutest puppy ever. did i mention i am coming over for my today to spoil her more! after all that is the job of the auntie, isn’t it?

    • Al says:

      Sure, come on over. You can watch her while we run out. We did mention we were going to Europe for a couple of months, didn’t we. We’ll leave the “Puppies for Dummies” book on the counter.

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