Requiem for a relationship…..

“Ah, autumn, the time for beautiful leaves and casual weekends with family….”

It’s fast approaching. September 1st, that very special of all days. Sept 1st marks an unofficial end to summer and hot days and humidity. Sept 1st is the harbinger of crisp sunny days and cool nights. Sept 1st heralds the arrival of incredible vistas with a smorgasbord of colors and falling leaves. But above all this, something even more beautiful will be marked by this very special day. Yes, praise heaven, it is the beginning of college and pro football season!

“Oops, almost forgot about this”.

Actually, last night, August 28th, 2014, football games were played all over the country to mercifully breathe life back into that mass of protoplasm that went into a catatonic state when the last of the bowl games was played last February. He will now put on a display of metamorphosis that would make a caterpillar green with envy (that is, if it wasn’t already green). He will perform a miracle of regeneration worthy of Lazarus himself.  He’s awaken, he’s renewed, his team is undefeated. Life is good. God is in his heaven.

“Hurry, it’s almost time for kickoff!”

Weekends, Monday nights and Thursday nights he will be raptly attending to his teams of choice and their trials against those unworthy foes that would deny them victory. This is no small responsibility. His bragging rights with his friends are at stake. His self-worth, nay, his whole identity as a person could be shattered by one dropped pass, by one untimely fumble, by one bad call. This is war, with no quarters asked and none given. And no quarterbacks either.

Prescription instructions: “To be taken twice daily during football season.”

During this stressful  time, he requests of you only your love, your understanding and your caring devotion, as well as an occasional beer and pastrami sandwich brought to him during the height of battle. If his team is to succeed, he must devote full attention to the fray. He must second guess the clueless coach who, had he done it his way, would have prevailed. He must referee each play, as the officials on the field are all obviously sight-challenged and remarkably incapable of calling even the most egregious foul against his brave warriors. And the replay reviews, my God, the replay reviews! Their outcome, no less important than the jury verdict in a capital crime trial, must be commented on ad nauseam, lest an official make yet another terrible mistake that will doom his beloved team.

He knows it’s hard on you, his wife, to be out of touch for whole days and nights at a time. He understands this. That’s why he checks his email during halftime. He only asks that you keep attachments to a minimum. And please, no forwards.

So there you have it. The most important time of the year explained. But take heart, I myself am not among those who would risk sacrificing a sacred bond with another just to watch a bunch of sweaty giants running into each other so they can carry some odd-looking ball across some perceived important goal line. I will be here for you to answer any questions about how to deal with this annual impediment to your healthy relationship with your significant other.

In return, I ask just one favor of you. Do you think I should draft Peyton Manning or his brother Eli as quarterback for my fantasy team?

Thanks,

Your pal, Al

NOTE: This is a re-post of my original post in August of 2011, with some small changes to keep it current.  I cannot imagine a more timely topic so worthy of a re-post, right guys?

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About Al

Retired from a couple of professions, trying my hand at writing about the events in our lives.
This entry was posted in Humorous and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

52 Responses to Requiem for a relationship…..

  1. Pingback: Requiem for a relationship……….(repost) | The Cvillean

  2. Men and their balls…I’ll never understand. 😉

  3. American Football is a mystery to me, although I’ve seen a lot of it in films and think the helmets are very stylish. It’s quite like our Rugby, I think, but in brighter kit

  4. Barbara says:

    How come I’ve already liked and commented on this post! Happy Labour (spelt wrong) Day xxx

  5. Lisaman says:

    hahahaha wonderful…

  6. Poor Patty. I can honestly say, I have never been married to a football nut, except my second husband who was a coach with an Army team and played for the University of Pennsylvania as an undergrad (went there on a football scholarship). David loves tennis, and can’t get enough of it (watching the US Open as I write this). Now you know why I read so much and blog. Dianne

  7. Coming East says:

    Maybe Patty and I should hang out while you and George become football zombies.

  8. Barbara says:

    I know nothing about American football apart from that its a less dangerous form of Rugby. Do you ever watch that? The Six Nations is on at the moment and its like a war zone on the pitches.

    What team do you support?

    • Al says:

      Yes, I do follow rugby whenever it comes up on the tube (I’m sorry, telly). Unfortunately, it isn’t often. We actually get more Australian football than rugby matches. It really doesn’t matter, as long as two teams of brutes are relentlessly pounding on each other and I’n not one of them.

      My American football team is the Philadelphia Eagles.

      • Barbara says:

        I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the Irish game ‘Hurling’ it’s probably the most dangerous game out there. It’s like hockey except you are allowed to hold your stick thing in the air and hit the ball as high as you want.

        Will try & remember the Eagles by September. My cheer will probably be ‘Go California Eagles!’

  9. Pingback: Woman throws out first football to commemorate start of new season…… « thecvillean

  10. Oh Al, I think I would have to pop a few of those self-esteem pills if my guy ever picked a bunch of piled up men over me. Men and balls…

  11. Bernice says:

    Is it threatening if a woman shares your enjoyment of football? Is it alarming or unseemly? Do I need to see a shrink? Wonderful writing and blog.

    • Big Al says:

      No problem at all. In fact, personally, I consider you one of the all-time great female sports fans.

      I was seeing a shrink about my football addiction, but I caught him checking scores on his phone while I was spilling my guts out. Go figure.

  12. I’m from the Uk so i’m not in tune with your actual game, but I follow football, which strts in August so it’s much the same emotion

  13. Tilly Bud says:

    Are you my husband?

    • Big Al says:

      OK. Busted. I am your hub and have been writing under the pseudonym Big Al for lo these many months. I also have another family in America. Haven’t you ever wondered why it takes me so long to run to the store for your Malteasers?

  14. pegoleg says:

    Since our oldest graduated from U of Iowa last year, my husband made the difficult decision to give up those season tickets in favor of U of Illinois, where our youngest now goes. Our first game is next weekend.

    I would appreciate special prayers for him during this difficult transition.

    • Big Al says:

      “Our Lord of the gridiron, please be with pegoleg’s hubby as he takes on the difficult task of switching allegiance between teams. May the fumbles be few and the touchdowns many for Illinois. Yea, as he walks through the tunnel to his seat, may his team be winning. Give him strength when their punt returner gets tackled for a safety. Let him not weep when Michigan shuts them out, but rather, give him faith that the AD will find a better coach. And Lord, thank you especially for keeping Iowa off their schedule this year. Amen.”

      • pegoleg says:

        Amen. (except for that part about Michigan shutting them out. As if!)

        • pegoleg says:

          OMG! I can’t believe how much younger nd wrinkle-free I sounded 2 years ago!

          THis is one of my faves of yours, Al. We got a jump on the season by taking in a pregame with the Packers last weekend. Talk about the Houses of the Holy!

          • Al says:

            That explains why your blog seems to have a new wrinkle to it.

            • pegoleg says:

              This post is just as fresh and pertinent this year. Hubster watched Da Bears in preseason last night and it was not pretty. He heads for U of Illinois tomorrow. Praying for the strength to get through the season.

              • Al says:

                You can use the prayer above or the the football serenity prayer: “God, grant my team the serenity to accept that illegal procedure call on a touchdown pass, the courage to go for it on 4th and one, and the wisdom to correctly call the coin toss for overtimes.”

  15. Jeri says:

    Oh Damn…I forgot, it is the time of the awakening of the sleeping giant.

  16. misswhiplash says:

    I like it, it’s good and I enjoyed reading it. I know that you are not the only one…..

    BUT

    I think you are completely bonkers! have a great time and enjoy yourself

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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