1. I vow that I will post everyday in 2014, unless that day falls on the same day that I have no idea what to write about.
2. I vow that my 2014 blogs will appeal to every kind of reader, with the possible exception of non-sports fans, humorless people, non-pet lovers and those hung up on good grammar and literacy.)
3. I vow that my posts will be politically correct and sensitive to every type of reader, unless you are one of those snotty, stupid, easily offended, activist, goddamn do-gooders.
4. I vow to approve and respond to every comment made on one of my posts, however, in the unlikely event that you have disagreed with me, your blog, e-mail, home and mobile numbers will be forwarded to the National Security Agency with the annotation, “potential terrorist.”
5. I vow to hit the like button of every post of every blogger I follow. I will do this even if I hated it, found it incredibly boring or skipped it altogether. Please accept my apologies in advance if you post that you just found out you only have 3 days to live.
6. I vow that I will treat all of my followers with reverence and respect. That includes the scum-sucking pigs that only follow my blog as a way of attracting my true and loyal readers to their own advertising site.
7. I vow that I will no longer be obsessive about my blog stats. I will no longer worry about how many visits I get.
8. I vow to start a “tip of the day” section. Today’s tip: “Don’t forget the “share” buttons and the re-blog button on my blog. Make sure all your friends, family and followers know about me and visit my blog. Please, I beg you.”
9. I vow to end my all the cheap shots and bitterness toward the Freshly Pressed people at WordPress. They are just ordinary people like me who are only doing their job. Just because they are totally incompetent morons who are unable to realize the genius that is “thecvillean”, doesn’t mean they are bad. Their fathers were probably felons and their mothers all prostitutes, which is absolutely no fault of their own. Henceforth, I will take the high road and not demean their sorry butts.
10. I vow that, as has been my policy in the past, I will always refrain from posting those annoying top ten lists.
“Happy New Year to all my readers and may all your resolutions be breakable!”
Your pal, Al