“That’s one big step backward for me, one big relief for mankind.”

Try to imagine my disappointment. All I’ve ever wanted to do is leave a legacy that would make my family proud and to earn the respect of all other citizens of the world. To contribute in some lasting way to the advancement of the human race. And this was my best chance. But nooooooo! The hoity-toity organization known as Mars One thinks otherwise.

This non-profit organization, which is selecting the persons that will attempt to colonize Mars, has made their first cut from the over 200,000 applicants. They’ve whittled it down to an elitist group of 1058 from which 4 to 6 will eventually be selected. Sadly, I am not one of them. In eliminating me, they cited such criteria as increased bone brittleness, loss of appetite, insomnia, radiation poisoning and “swelling of the head” as just some of the known health problems associated with long-term space voyages. And, of course, the psychological pitfalls connected with commingling with other humans in a confined space for an interminable time.

Still, how could they leave me out? On my application I gave them several unimpeachable reasons why I was their guy. See if you can find any flaw in my reasoning:

1. My bones. Considering that most of them are already pretty arthritic, I don’t see this as a problem. Wouldn’t you rather have someone who already knows how to deal with bone problems, than some 35-year old Adonis type who has to adjust to this new phenomenon. Duh?

bones

“Excuse me, is this the Mars Mission astronaut training center?”

2. Loss of appetite. And this is a problem because? It’s all the more reason to select someone like me who has 89% body fat than one of those Ken dolls from Gold’s Gym who would waste away in the first week after using up his .0004% body fat. Think people, think!

fat

Yes! Perfect size for the mission.

3. Insomnia? Are you kidding? You’re talking about the king of naps here folks. If I were you NASA, I’d be more worried about getting a 2-hour work day out of me. If you’re that concerned, just find some room for my recliner and it will be “game over” for insomnia. I know you can do it, as evidenced in the picture below.

mars 2

Cosmonauts returning from space with their La-Z-Boys.

4. Radiation poisoning. Hey, I use a cell phone, a microwave, live around power lines and languish for hours in front of a glowing computer screen. As a great man once said “If it ain’t got ya yet, it ain’t gonna gitcha.” Who could possibly argue with a great man?

cleaning

This is a group from a local house cleaning service getting ready to tidy up my computer room.

5. This is the easiest one of all to overcome. My wife has been telling me for years that I couldn’t have a bigger head if I tried. This will be to my advantage. My helmet will fit correctly right from the git go. The other astronauts would have to adjust to larger helmet sizes as the trip unfolds. Talk about a deal breaker!

helmet

I’m thinking this one would fit nicely.

Now the psychological failings of humans in stressful conditions is well documented. The crew would obviously need someone who was able to deal with being neglected, rejection, lack of respect, and working with others of considerably more talent. As the author of the blog “thecvillean”, for nearly 4 years, I believe that eminently qualifies me in all those areas.

So there you go. if you agree with me, and I know you do, please sign my petition to have my application reinstated and selected. I appreciate…..uh….wait…I’m just reading some of the fine print….er…what’s this?….. “this is a one way trip and there will be no rescue missions attempted”…...uh……never mind.

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About Al

Retired from a couple of professions, trying my hand at writing about the events in our lives.
This entry was posted in Humorous, Misc and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to “That’s one big step backward for me, one big relief for mankind.”

  1. Margie says:

    Well, at least they are identifying the hazards of this adventure and making some attempt at choosing people who might be able to hack it. I visited Biosphere 2 in Tucson last month, and that sure demonstrated what not to do…
    Peg mentioned that she signed a petition to deport Justin Bieber back to Canada. Just for the record, we don’t want him back… I wonder if we could get him to go to Mars.

  2. pattisj says:

    I’m with Peg, we need to keep you here (besides, your girls would miss you–not to mention the squirrels) I can think of others more deserving of a one-way trip to Mars.

  3. Cathy says:

    That told ’em Al – maybe next time! Isn’t that what they say to all unsuccessful candidates. Try again at a later date.

  4. pegoleg says:

    Sorry Al. I went to sign your petition and somehow ended up signing the petition to deport Justin Bieber instead.

  5. What in the world were they thinking? Actually Al you can comfort yourself by thinking how bad they will feel when they land on Mars!

  6. Elisa says:

    manifest destiny (no nooooo we would NOT be insurgents, we are just trying to educate savages) that thing that didn’t work out for England will go soooooo well for us!!! If I see it, it is mine….

    rolling my eyes now

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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