Big Al’s 10 immutable (more or less) observations of nature……

Plain to see, I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer. But I do have some remarkable powers of observation. I would be remiss if I did not share them. Therefore, for your perusal……

1. Squirrels exist on earth solely for dogs to chase. That’s it. No other reason.

2. There are only two species of penguins. White ones and black ones. The white ones will always walk toward you and the black ones will always walk away from you.

3. The number of birds that will poop on your car is inversely proportional to the number of days since your last car wash.

4. The degree of the threat of alleged man-made global warming is directly proportional to the politicians’ need for campaign contributions.

5. If you live near the beach, there will always be sand in your bed. Always. Freshly washed sheets are only an invitation for even more sand in your bed.

6. The average hair count for males is 100,000 hairs. That means somewhere a man is walking around with 80,000 of my follicles. If you see him, please tell him I’d like them back.

7. Planning to mow your lawn is a far more accurate predictor of rain than any weather satellite.

8. Contrary to popular belief, humans do not have picnics. Ants, flies and mosquitos have picnics. However, humans do have an innate and irresistible urge to attend and provide the food for these entomological gatherings.

9. Bovine flatulence is one of the leading causes of CO2 in the atmosphere. Human flatulence is just plain hilarious.

10. The universe and everything in it is continually expanding. That accounts for my pants not fitting anymore.

mother nature photo: MOTHER NATURE DeMotivational129.jpg

 

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About Al

Retired from a couple of professions, trying my hand at writing about the events in our lives.
This entry was posted in Humorous and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to Big Al’s 10 immutable (more or less) observations of nature……

  1. I know the guy with too much hair, Al. But he’s pretty attached to it. I could give you his number: 1-800-BALL-BUSTER. You might just want to go with a hat and leave it at that… 😉

  2. Barbara says:

    I’m sure Cows emit CH4 (Methane) not CO2….. Humans emit beans or eggs!

  3. Margie says:

    I’m glad you explained the expanding universe. I’m going to quit thinking about my waistline and just buy bigger pants…

  4. You might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you have a serrated edge…and I bet you thought I would say you had a cutting wit.

  5. pegoleg says:

    When the birds pooping on your car are penguins, are they the black or white ones?

  6. Grannymar says:

    For no seven, I would add: Cleaning windows! As for the missing follicles, Barbara has an uncle with way more than his share. While looking at a family photo, I was once asked who the druid was!

  7. pattisj says:

    Good one, or should I say ten? Had my car detailed this week, I concur with #3, ROFL with #6 (notice I’m laughing with you, not at). I’ve never quite figured out the whole picnic thing, and what is so good about them–I think you may be onto something.

  8. misswhiplash says:

    You should not berate yourself. I think that you are very clever and very talented…..my dogs flatulence can beat a cow…my gosh it don, t arf stink……

  9. Jane Thorne says:

    I have said it before, and at risk of boring you rigid my brother from another mother, you are a delight, an absolute delight Al. ❤ p.s. I thought squirrels collected nuts??

    • Al says:

      Jane, my long lost, but recently found non maternal sister, you could never bore me, only enlighten me.

      Glad you enjoy my ramblings, useless as they are in the practical world.

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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