This just in….tomorrow’s headlines today…

Here we are in December already. And for my blog followers, you know what that means. It’s time for me to tell you in advance what the major headlines for 2015 will be so you won’t be burdened and can spend your time with more important matters such as reality shows and following Justin Beiber’s career. So without further ado, here’s what will be happening folks…..

1. The constitutional crisis over immigration is averted when 20 million illegal aliens voluntarily return to Mexico after finding out that part of the amnesty deal means they must watch 200 hours of C-span to learn more about how our government works.

2. In a startling development and responding to public outcry, congress passes the “Michael Brown” law, which requires that policeman must surrender their weapons to unarmed attackers to “even the playing field just a bit.”

3. Michele Obama’s national school lunch program is re-evaluated when it is learned that over 3 million dollars was recovered in a raid on a black market cheeseburger operation being run by 15 second graders at Hilltop Elementary in Terre Haute, Indiana.

4. The U.S. State Department issues a travel warning for its citizens visiting Liechtenstein, stating that the minuscule country has more terrorists per capita than any other country in the world. However, if you must travel there, the terrorist’s name is Hans Schrieber.

5. The National Football League, always sensitive to new ways to increase revenue, adds another team. The team will be based in Leavenworth, Kansas and will be known as “The Lifers”. Roger Goodell, Commissioner of the NFL, states; “with so many of our players being convicted and incarcerated, it just makes good business sense!”

6. Citing mounting evidence of the biggest cause yet of man-made global warming, environmentalists succeed in getting politicians to agree to “mime” their campaigns. Estimates are that the reduction in harmful gases during the 2016 election cycle alone will drop the earth’s temperature 1.5 degrees.

7. In an all out effort to refurbish their image after the “targeted groups” fiasco, the IRS will implement a “tax free income” period as a gesture of good will. Any and all monies earned during this period may be excluded as income for tax reporting purposes. The period will run from 3:00 AM to 3:01 AM, Wednesday, July 1st.

8. Reeling from news that China had overtaken the U.S. as the world’s largest economy, President Obama responds by stating “while that may be true, we now have more Chinese restaurants than they do, so it all evens out.”

9. Finally bowing to increasing pressure from the politically correct crowd, Dan Snyder, the owner of the Washington Redskins, an NFL team, agrees to change the team’s name. Excerpting from Snyder’s announcement: “It’s apparent to me now that our name represents a part of this country’s history that is both an embarrassment and blight on this great nation. For that reason, we will henceforth be known as the “Area Around Virginia and Maryland That Really Isn’t a State Redskins.”

10. Continuing to distance herself as much as possible from Barack Obama, whose popularity figures have sunk to historic lows, Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton denies ever having served as his Secretary of State, maintaining she had only personally visited a few countries to build up her resume and test the waters for another run. Bristling at the suggestion that she held that high ranking position for four years, she challenged the press to name one diplomatic success that would give credence to their claim.

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About Al

Retired from a couple of professions, trying my hand at writing about the events in our lives.
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27 Responses to This just in….tomorrow’s headlines today…

  1. Jane Thorne says:

    You are very funny my Bro and I love your pithy predictions. Hugs ❤

  2. So funny and so cynical. Love it 🙂

  3. Barbara says:

    I like number 6, it applies worldwide… even in China 9although I don’t think they were involved in the Kyoto Protocol…

  4. The Cutter says:

    Aw, leave poor Hillary alone. I’m going to vote for her!

  5. pegoleg says:

    I didn’t know that political speeches had taken over from cow farts as the leading cause of global warming, er, I mean global change, but it makes perfect sense. Thanks for saving me the trouble of reading the news next year.

  6. pattisj says:

    Thanks! I won’t have to read the news for another year! Justin Beiber has a career? I must have missed something this year.

    • Al says:

      Thank you, Patti. My upcoming book, “News Headlines for the Next Fifty Years” will be out soon. I’ll be glad to send you a signed copy.

  7. Oh great Prognosticator, I thank you for your predictions. Now I know how to brace myself for the upcoming year. I especially enjoyed #1 about voluntary exit of illegal aliens and #6 about eliminating a major cause of global climate change. Spot on on both accounts if you ask me! 🙂 🙂

  8. Grannymar says:

    Welcome back to Cvilleanisation! I was about to send out the search party – St Bernard dogs with medicinal barrels of brandy tucked under their chins. I hope that now you have covered the news for 2015, that you’ll not disappear for another year! 😉 Stay well,Al

    • Al says:

      No need for the search party Marie, but I’ve always been fond of the St. Bernard breed….would you send them on anyway (with the kegs, of course)?

  9. This would be funny if it weren’t so true. And Heinz Schrieder is going to get you. Or was that Dan Snyder. Lots of food for thought here.

    No one knows how many illegals are in the US (trust me, I worked for the Census Bureau on the staff that developed the bogus numbers…a nice group of kids who graduated from liberal universities and who can’t add).

    According to the Washington Times an unbiased right-wing paper, or was it the Washington Post? can’t remember which…Arlington County alone received enough money from the feds to add 1,000 jobs to the local branch of Homeland Defense for the purpose of processing illegals.

    This is a clue, although I secretly think this is one way to lower our 3% unemployment rate and keep Arlington Blue in 2016. Half of the adults in our county are lawyers working for Congress on immigration issues and the other half are illegals who act as nannies and gardeners.

    Am I cynical enough for you?

  10. I like the new name for Washington Redskins, and in the spirit of trans atlantic good relations, can I offer to change the name of “Manchester United” to “Manchester not getting on too badly at all”

  11. misswhiplash says:

    either I had a nap and missed it or you have not posted for some short while…I thought about that this morning whilst deciding whether i should get out of bed. Then there you are in my inbox….
    I loved it . especially about the lone terrorist….(the rest of course, being USA politics which I don’t understand anyway, but it was still good work.

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