Alliterative Al’s Always Accurate Annual Assertions…..

It’s December folks and you know what that means. Big Al does his yearly prognostication on what the big news headlines will be for the coming year. Please don’t contact me directly if you have any comments, as my trance state usually lasts well into the New Year.

And now…..ohm…..ohm….

January: The NFL Super Bowl is cancelled when most of the players on both teams are arrested for parole violations.

February: Donald Trump easily wins the New Hampshire primary by promising to build a wall on the Canadian border.

March: President Obama, in his last year in office, finally reveals that his strategy for stopping the Syrian conflict is to move every single Syrian to America.

April: Tiger Woods continues his free fall from his former unbeatable status in golf as he loses a charity match to 86 year-old Arnold Palmer by 17 strokes.

May: In a shocking development, Donald Trump announces he is stepping down as a candidate after he learns he would be legally prohibited from building a new 110-story White House.

June: President Obama ramps up his efforts for normalization of relations with Cuba by sending cigar aficionado and former President Bill Clinton to Havana to arrange their import.

July: In a patriotic July 4th appearance, Hillary Clinton announces daughter Chelsea will be her running mate. Later in the speech she criticizes Republican candidate Jeb Bush for his pathetic attempt to perpetuate the Bush “dynasty.”

August: In a moment reminiscent of the French Revolution, Al Gore announces that President Obama has agreed that all man-made climate change deniers will be publicly executed by guillotine.

September: Citing irreconcilable differences, Caitlin Jenner files for divorce from Bruce Jenner.

October: The final debate between the Presidential candidates ends abruptly as the moderator suffers a seizure from Hillary Clinton’s glare after asking her a question about Monica Lewinsky.

November: The national election on November 8th has a record low turnout. When asked by pollsters why they didn’t vote, the majority answer “No tienen una versión en Español de la boleta!”

December: President Obama calls the “War on Christmas” accusations ridiculous, saying the recent drone strike on the Nativity scene in Rockefeller Plaza was just a case of unfortunate “friendly fire.”

 

 

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About Al

Retired from a couple of professions, trying my hand at writing about the events in our lives.
This entry was posted in Humorous, Misc and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Alliterative Al’s Always Accurate Annual Assertions…..

  1. Your cynicism is hilarious, as always, Al x

  2. Your very best in a while. However, don’t think for a minute that a 110-story White House isn’t in the cards. Terry McCauliffe is trying to alter the VA governor’s mansion with a ramp up those eighteenth century front stairs. What a jerk.

  3. Tricia says:

    This is awesome and true I fear on many points! Except I think Trump would try for a 200 story white House….

  4. pegoleg says:

    Ha! Not gonna happen. I’m sure they’ll be a Spanish version of the ballet available.

  5. You wouldn’t be taking business from my favorite future formulator, would you, Al? Madam Whirlunda tells me to expect a long journey to the land of “eh?” and hockey. She tells me to bring my passport (or as she says, “pass-a-port-a”) and wooly unmentionables because it’s cold up there–cold, but safe (for now) from the Trumpster. As long as they have the Internet, I’m good!

  6. pattisj says:

    Maybe I should hibernate until 2017.

  7. Grannymar says:

    What about the rest of the world…. maybe that will be part two?

    I predict that if Big Al crosses the pond to Europe in 2016, we would kidnap him, steal his passport and take him to Tír na nÓg

  8. Margie says:

    Excellent, Al! Love your new blog look too! Your Jenner prophesy is the absolute best of the bunch!

  9. The Cutter says:

    That Trump – he’s always doin’ something wacky!

  10. susielindau says:

    I bet you are pretty close on a few of these. Ha!

  11. Some of this may turn out to be truer than we think. I’m sure the Trumpster would love to replace the White House with something a little harder to miss !

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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