Dilemma: What do you get someone for their 1000th birthday?

Like we don’t have enough problems already? According to Cambridge gerontologist Aubrey de Grey, the first person to live to age 1000 is already born.

Now at first, your reaction might be that this is a marvelous breakthrough. Imagine, living to be 1000! But, as is always my duty on this blog, I’m here to rain on your parade. I submit that there are far more negatives to this development than positives. Let’s list them shall we?

1. That’s another 225 Presidential election cycles to endure.

Be afraid, be very afraid...
Be afraid, be very afraid…

2. It’s another 3,885,000 texts to have to answer.

texting
Cheat sheet….

3. An additional 1900 two-week long visits from your mother-in-law.

mother in law
Only 1809 to go….

4. You would be cut off in traffic by some asshole another 330,000 times.

cut off
Hey asshole, you drive like you’re about 900 years old…oh, wait…

5. You would be subjected to an additional 115,000,000,000,000,000 internet ads, conservatively speaking.

Yearn to travel? Special rate now for a trip to Andromeda Galaxy. Hurry, only two seats left!
Yearn to travel? Special rate now for a trip to Andromeda Galaxy. Hurry, only two seats left!

6. The Kardashians would also live 1000 years.

Getting together to celebrate mom's 700th birthday.
Getting together to celebrate mom’s 700th!

7. Possibly, Senators could suckle off the government teat for 970 years.

Senator Byrd on the campaign trail during his 133rd reelection bid.
Senator Byrd on the campaign trail during his 133rd reelection bid.

8. You would have to buy at least another 700 new computers, cell phones and other tech gadgets just to stay “current.”

Another "hip" oldster...
Another “hip” oldster…

9. The world’s population would increase exponentially, therefore, so would the number of annoying people playing Pokemon Go.

Yes, we have lives, we just choose not to live them.
We have lives, we just choose not to live them.

10. I could conceivably post another 110,000 top ten lists.

See my point?

 

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42 thoughts on “Dilemma: What do you get someone for their 1000th birthday?

  1. You are really into this tech stuff, Al. I think the lucky person might be YOU. You mentioned Pokemon Go in this blog (which I am WAY behind in reading) and I hadn’t even heard of it at the time. Thanks for hooking me up with the link to the Sr. Citizen texting code. I’d have had no way to communicate with my peers.

  2. Count on you Al to show us how fortunate we are that we won’t have to endure too many more election gong shows (even us Canadians can hardly wait for this one to be over…)
    Congrats on your ever so nice new blog theme, by the way!

  3. I feel like I am 1000 years old already. July has been a lonnnng month with family reunions, gatherings, entertaining and more partying! I returned home Thursday with an upper respiratory infection and food poisoning, never mind a slow puncture and the need to have a jump start to set me on my way. No I have no desire to live another 900+ years. The plus part will do me well enough thank you.

    Hope all is well in your court, Al!

  4. And roughly how many calls might I get for a “free” vacation in Boca Raton? I’m thinking at least a googol (1 with 100 zeroes after it, or 1 Pokemon monster with 100 Walking Dangerfields after it)?

    I’m getting a passport to Euthanasia, quite the popular destination getaway (and stay away) for anyone worried about, well, anything. Maybe I’ll start getting telemarketing calls for a timeshare there…

  5. A toss up for me on the worst of your list would be having the Kardashians around for another 1000 years and the Pokemon idiots. I’d rather die young than be around for this. 😉

    1. You are funny, Tricia. Maybe we should come up with a game where people hunt and capture the Kardashians. It would rid us of two annoyances at once.

  6. ATD

    Seriously, this has gone to far. Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein addressed this issue…science has already gone to far.

    Cheer up Al, I’m confident Trump and Putin will blow us to Kingdom come to avoid this.

  7. Bernice

    On the plus side, that’s about 50,000 more bottles of wine one can enjoy, which one would need to endure more elections.

Your turn to write, but please don't be wittier than me. My ego is quite fragile.

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