Silicon Valley, where are you when we really need you?

Financially, I could be the next Bill Gates, except that my technical expertise when it comes to computer chips is beyond pathetic. So I’m calling on all the geniuses on the West Coast to help me out. We could partner up and make millions.

Here’s my idea: a microchip for dogs. I know, the implanted chip for finding lost dogs is already invented. I’m talking about something far more sophisticated. I’m talking about a chip that would be integrated into the circuitry of a dog’s brain.

There are two things that a dog cannot do well. Tell human time or deal with abandonment issues. These are also the two things that worry a dog most and are most likely responsible for their shorter life-spans.

Anyone who has ever owned a dog knows that whether you leave the house for an hours-long shopping trip or are just taking out the garbage, the dog stands by the door acting as if they will never see you again. The greeting when you do return is always the same. Sheer, unabashed joy, jumping and barking and whining and licking and snuggling and playful biting. While all this makes one feel like the most special person in the world, it can’t be good for the dog. The energy and anxiety they expend every time they greet you has to take its toll.

Every dog owner has had to face the pitiable look on their dog’s face when they leave the house without them. Dogs don’t know about work, shopping, dinners out, visiting friends, etc. What they know about are walks. Think about it, every time you leave the house with them, you go for a walk.  As far as a dog is concerned, a walk is the only reason anyone would leave their house. Ergo, if you’re leaving, you’re going for a walk. And why wouldn’t you take them? Now your pooch is thinking “he/she is going on a walk without me!” That stress and fear of abandonment can sap the life right out of them. Now you feel like a cad.

“I promise girls, I’m only going to the mailbox!”

Which brings me back to the chip. It would be painlessly inserted in the brain much like the locator chip is now. It would tell a dog: 1. Where you have gone. 2. Exactly what you will be doing. 3. How long before you come home, in dog time, right down to the dog minute. And now for the best part; this chip system would come with an app. With a simple click on your phone it would send an image of you, say, in the drugstore, straight to your dog’s brain, proving that you are not in fact, walking on their favorite trail. Who doesn’t want one more app on their phone?

So let’s go all you geeks out there, let’s get busy on this. Owners will appreciate it, their dogs will live longer and we’ll get rich. Until we get this done, the only ones getting wealthy trying to quell dog anxiety are the makers of rubber kongs and peanut butter!