Are you tired of hearing about fake news? No one knows anymore what to believe. Is it fake? Is it partly fake? Just how fake is it? Enough of these “unnamed references” and “unsubstantiated contacts” and “sources that asked not to be identified” news items.
Here at Big Al’s blog, you can be 100%, absolutely sure that it is fake news, no if ands or buts. My motto: “If you read it here, it ain’t real!”
Without further ado, here are todays headlines:
“President Trump and Vladimir Putin secretly tie the knot!” According to reports, Donald and “Vladdie” were married in a secret ceremony at Camp David. Originally slated to be best man for the President was James Comey, however he was fired at Putin’s request just before the ceremony and replaced by a wide-eyed Kim Jong-Un. In appreciation for being selected by the President, Jong-Un declared a 30-day moratorium on the killing of his host and the nuclear destruction of the United States. Caitlyn Jenner served as bridesmaid for Russian bride.
In a closely related story, the reason that Melania Trump has not been seen in public for several months is revealed. She has given birth to a love child by way of an illegal immigrant named Manuel Rodriguez. No relation to the baseball great Alex.
Quasimodo, of Notre Dame Cathedral fame, has officially been accepted for residence in the sanctuary city of San Francisco. Citing years of being labeled by Parisians as a “wierdo” and “outcast” for his unusual lifestyle of living in a bell tower, Qusaimodo was given a warm welcome by the oldest living human on the planet, Nancy Pelosi. When asked if he knew beforehand that he would enjoy his new home so much, “Quasi”, as the locals now refer to him, smiled and said, “no, but I had a hunch.”
A devastating computer virus has been introduced into E-Harmony, Match.com and all other online dating sites. Code-named “Come Here Often?”, the nasty virus may spell the end of these sites by hacking into the data posted by prospective mates and translating it into the truth.
CNN will hire Bill O’Reilly who was recently fired from Fox News. O’Reilly will be hosting a new show which will have a bit of a format twist to it . Guests will actually be treated respectfully, without insult, rudeness and constant interruptions. CNN’s president stated that this idea is a “pilot” program which if it has interest could be used in other talk shows. He concluded by saying, “but don’t hold your breath.”
Senator Elizabeth Warren is already on the stump for the 2020 Presidential election. Speaking to a crowd in her Massachusetts hometown, the socialist leaning candidate bellowed out to the adoring crowd, her mantra, “What’s yours is mine!” After a stunned silence, she retreated back into her 5.5 million dollar home to tweak her campaign skills. Later, “Pocahontas”, as she has been nicknamed by the opposition, due to her as yet unsubstantiated claim to have a drop or two of native American blood coursing through her veins, announced that she would be departing for rural Iowa to perform a rain dance to aid that drought-stricken area.
British Prime Minister Theresa May firmly dispelled any notions that England would reverse its decision on Brexit by flatly stating “it makes no sense whatsoever for a country with an indecipherable monetary system like ours to belong to an organization with intelligible currency denominations.”
Well, that’s today’s “not real” news folks. Keep tuned to this blog for all the news that’s not fit to print!
Your pal, Al