The Winter Olympics are in full swing in South Korea these past several days. Participating are athletes from all over the world, who are supposed to be the absolute best at competing in ice and snow conditions. To these revered individuals I say this……pshaw!
While receiving virtually no coverage whatsoever, one of the most grueling Olympic events plays out every day during the winter. I’m talking about the Super G Pothole Slalom event. Due to cold, icy, snowy conditions across the world, areas located in northern climes present a daily, challenging slalom course of potholes that only the well-trained, intrepid driver/athlete should ever attempt.
With potholes ranging in size from barely visible to Humvee swallowing, this wreck-avoiding event surpasses even the 120 meter ski jump for sheer terror. Eat your heart out lugers and bobsledders and downhill skiers, the pothole slalom is not for the wimpy likes of you. All helmeted up in your psychedelic designer suits, you have the track all to yourselves as you bob and weave through obstacles, not to mention, you already know where they’re going to be! Try averting an unexpected black hole while another car is right next to you and the other side is a 20 foot drop-off!
And what’s with all these fancy names you have for the skating moves you make. Like the “double axel.” For me, a “double axel” means the pothole has broken both axles on my car. And the “triple lutz.” The day you can navigate a “triple ruts” in the dark while going 60 mph, we’ll talk. Let’s also not forget these wienies have skate edges that cut into and hold the ice. Try doing those fancy-schmancy moves with a pair of shoes with no tread, like my tires! Put that in your “half-salchow” and smoke it!
To top it all off, I don’t get medals for pulling off a perfect ten. Just the other day, I avoided every pothole in every road going all the way across town and back. But no podium ceremony for me. No TV coverage or flags or national anthems. Just me, kissing the ground and uttering a silent prayer.
So good luck driving when you get home from Korea, with all your medals and swag and free condoms. Then we’ll see who really deserves the gold!